I was awake early this morning and was inspired to share this. It’s funny how we make plans for our lives and have these dreams even as kids, but our plans don’t always work out like we thought they would. When I was 14, I had all these dreams/plans that I was going to move out of this town (and state) and move to a big city and have a nice career and make lots of money. I had no desire to get married either. For whatever reason, I thought single and a big city would be living the dream. My first stop after high school graduation would be Paris. I didn’t seem to care or think about how I was going to get the money to do this. I even took French as a foreign language in high school for 2 years because I was so set on going to France one day. (Looking back, learning Spanish would have been so much more beneficial, but hey I took my required foreign language for college acceptance 🤷‍♀️). When I was 16, I met Jeremy (my husband) and fell in love. Suddenly those dreams of wanting to move away to a big city and university were gone and by senior year, I chose a university 45 minutes from home. I had no desire to go to Paris either. I still wanted a college degree and pursued being a nurse. We got married when I was 19 and 2 years into college. Jeremy was 21 when we got married and already working, and I finished college 2 years later. We had no desire for kids. I think we both just wanted our careers and a social life on the weekends and that was it. After several years of marriage, I think our family had already given up on the fact that we were gonna have kids. I would even joke and tell people “If I haven’t had a baby by the time I’m 30, I’m definitely not ever going to have any.” Well, lots of my friends/acquaintances were having babies, and I still didn’t really have a desire for kids of my own. When my niece Katelyn was born, my heart was filled with so much love for her, and I thought how could I love anyone more than her? Jeremy and I were satisfied being an aunt and uncle. Jeremy got to be in his late 20s, and he was starting to talk some about wanting kids, but I was still not ready. One night we went to visit a friend and her newborn baby, and I saw her with her family and two children. I felt like maybe I was missing something. I turned 29 and decided I did want to try to have a baby. We had Carter 10 months later, just a couple of months shy of me turning 30, so hey I had a baby by the time I was 30. 😆

Today I am a homeschool mom to my 10 year old Carter. I am Jeremy’s wife and Carter’s mom…we live in the country not far from where I grew up. This is where I belong. I’m so thankful Jesus didn’t let me go down the path of my own choosing. I would still be chasing everything else in the world trying to find happiness and contentment with my job, my family, my friends, the next trip, or shopping spree. I am thankful for every single door He closed and for every door He opened to get me to where I am now. I’m thankful for His patience with me when I tried to keep those doors open that He was closing. I’m so thankful that He saved me 10 years ago and because of HIS love, I can love Jeremy and Carter and others and be content right where I am. He is my source of happiness, and He has molded me into the person I am today. I was reflecting on this journey with Carter this morning. It was hard at first and some days I felt I would drown, but Jesus didn’t leave me or let that happen. We went from our baby boy being pretty much nonverbal and unable to communicate with us to now a happy, funny boy with such love and compassion for others. He loves to pray and intercede for others, and a lot of times, he beats me texting people to check on them. I can say now that I’m grateful the Lord made my Carter different. I could not have said that 8 years ago because I was too busy asking God why did this happen to us when really this was a blessing in disguise. It has molded me into the person I am today. James 1:2 tells us to count it all joy when we go through various trials knowing that the testing of our faith produces perseverance. It’s the tests and trials that make us into the person He wants us to be. Now I’m not saying I have things all figured out. God is still having to work on me, and He will continue to do so until the end. But I can say I am right where I belong. Thank you all for reading and following our journey. I love you all.

Continue reading “Right Where I Belong” →

Earlier this week, I left Carter at the dining room table to do his math problems while I went to wash dishes and do some things around the house. I told him I was giving him about 30 minutes to finish his worksheets. I went back to check on him after about 20 minutes to see how he was doing and see if he needed any help. He had only completed 1 problem in 20 minutes! I asked him what had he been doing besides working on his schoolwork (he sometimes has a tendency to daydream or stare out the window so I assumed this was the case). He said “Mama, I’ve been sitting here praying.” Well I could not get upset at him for not doing his work since his reason for not finishing it was because he was praying. I always tell him how important it is to talk to Jesus everyday, and we are to go to Him about everything.

Another day this week, we decided to go eat lunch with Daddy. It was raining that day. As we got started on the road, Carter said “Mama let’s pray for our protection.” So we both agreed in prayer for our protection and the protection over others.

This morning I walked in on Carter praying twice…once after practicing his spelling and once after completing his writing assignment. I left him alone to finish praying before we went on to his other subjects.

I felt led to share this because this is so precious and makes me so happy. If there is one thing I would want to pass on to my child, it is this: to have a solid foundation in Jesus and His Word and to pray without ceasing! Pray about everything! Always rejoice and be thankful!

I read a comment one evening this week that someone had written about this particular video I was watching. This person wrote “satan has attacked children with autism to make them emotionless and without feeling.” At first this kind of upset me because I’m thinking this is not my Carter, but then I just thought not everyone understands or has walked this journey. Carter is the most loving child with the kindest and sweetest heart. He has a love for Jesus and people like no other. I’ve seen him go through things and his faith still not waiver and him say “Mama I still have my faith.” So, I can say this in regards to this person’s statement from this week… “what satan meant for evil, God has turned it around for our good.” And I have heard of several others who could say the same thing about their child’s journey. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without Carter. God has shown me His love by blessing me with my sweet son.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

One thing this journey has taught me is to never take anything for granted. We celebrate and appreciate things as parents that most people probably take for granted. We cherish every moment and every milestone knowing that one day these things will all be gone and will only be distant memories. Everything that Carter has accomplished that we were told would be hard for him, we celebrate them all.

I noticed Carter getting a permanent tooth coming in the top front a few weeks ago, and it made me tear up thinking this snaggletooth stage will soon be over.

I love the beauty that is simply my Carter. There are some people that don’t get him and may not understand him, but there are way more people who do love him just the way he is. He is my heart and the greatest blessing I’ve ever received.

My phone made this video of sweet memories from 2019. It made me cry because it reminded me that God’s hand is still at work even when I don’t always see it. I shared it with some people but thought I’d share it on my blog too. You will see how happy he was to get a fan for his birthday last January to the joy of him watching a video of a garage door close to to the excitement of arriving at Lowe’s to him playing with the many settings on the water hose while watering the shrubs and everything in between that is my sweet and happy Carter. Happy New Year!

So do you ever have one of those days where you’re just feeling kind of blah and then something just comes along to make you smile? Well today was one of those days for me. I was checking my email, and I had this email from Shutterfly showing me a memory from 7 years ago of a picture I had uploaded. This is the picture.

I don’t have social media, so I don’t get these random memories pop up all the time. Shutterfly will send emails sometimes of your photos from a year ago or 2 years ago or 5 years ago etc. But lately it’s all been memories from 7 years ago. Like this one too.

And these…

I feel like God is telling me something by me seeing these repeated memories from 7 years ago. Biblically the number 7 means completeness. I finally shared my testimony a few weeks ago at our church, and it’s been 7 years since I gave my life back to God. My testimony is one of Jesus’s love, forgiveness, and restoration in my life. Jesus turned my life around, and I wanted to become the best wife and mother to my husband and my little boy. I think by me seeing these pictures lately, I can look at them, and I have finally forgiven myself for what happened during this time.

I also look at these pictures, and I see my sweet and happy baby Carter. I can’t believe 7 years have already gone by. I never would have imagined the path my life was about to take a few years after these pictures were taken, but I’m so thankful I made Jesus my foundation and my rock 7 years ago to get me through this journey. I don’t think I would have survived without Him. This journey has strengthened my faith, and I have so much love for others. All the progress that Carter has made gives me the faith and the hope to keep believing for more.

Things have been really busy here lately, but the thing that has been on my heart the past few weeks is how grateful I am to have conversations with my sweet Carter. When he was 2 years old, I just wanted to hear my sweet boy say the word “Mama” and say it all the time. I think he had said it once prior to his diagnosis, but for whatever reason, he never said it again. Once he started saying “Mama” all the time, I wanted to hear him say the words “Mama I love you.” Such simple words, but they mean so much. I would see little children having conversations with their parents, and my heart would ache thinking will I ever get to have conversations with my little boy?

It didn’t happen overnight, but I saw Carter go from saying one word to 2-3 word sentences to complete sentences. Although he had a lot of echolalia at first, I didn’t mind because I was so thankful to hear my baby talk and a lot of it was meaningful to what we were talking about.

Today I’m able to have normal conversations with Carter. Now that he is back in school, I ask him about his day every afternoon. Yesterday I was asking him about what he did in math and if he read an AR book in class and took a test on it and different things about his day. He answered my questions, and then he said “Hey Mama, guess what?!” I’m thinking this must be pretty exciting because he seems excited about something. He then tells me he went to use the restroom at school, and there was water all over the floor. I told him the toilet probably got stopped up and it overflowed, and someone would have to come fix it. He then says “No Mama, Mrs. Pannell said there was a crack in the back of the toilet, and that’s what did it.” I was thinking well his new teacher probably met the inquisitive Carter today (see my blog post Carter’s Inquisitive Mind) and all the “why,” “how,” and “what” questions and her trying to explain the reason there was water all over the bathroom floor. I guess she will get used to my Carter. 😆 Carter then asked me “Did Mrs. Pannell tell you about the water on the bathroom floor?” I had to kind of giggle at this question as I told him “No, she didn’t tell me about that.”

It’s amazing to me the things that fascinate him. This is what makes him so special though. Sometimes life gets so busy, and Carter will keep asking those same questions for the hundredth time it seems. I find myself hurried and not wanting to answer him again and again, but I try to keep answering those questions anyway because I don’t want to ever take for granted the voice God gave my little boy. God answered my prayer on this and gave Carter his words, and I’m able to have conversations with him. And I get to hear those simple words “Mama, I love you.”

We have this picture hung up in our house of Carter when he was 9 months old. I love this picture of him. The photographer captured him being fascinated by a leaf he had picked up off the ground. I walked by this picture the other day, and it made me smile. He wasn’t smiling in this picture like he was in this one …but just taking in something new. This was the first time he had seen a leaf. I was struck by how his mind has always been this inquisitive. He wants to know how everything works and is curious about everything.

Even before he could talk, he was always checking out things. Checking out the doors and how they closed. Checking out what made toys worked instead of really “playing” with them. The “why” and “how” and “what” questions started a few years ago when he really started communicating better. But I love his questions and the way his mind works and thinks about things.

I had surgery a week ago, and Carter was asking me a few days ago what they cut out and what kind of tools they used and why I have wounds on my belly. I answered his questions the best way I could. Then he wanted me to show him the tools they used, so I thought hey you can YouTube anything right? I pulled up the type of surgery I had done on YouTube, and I let him watch it so he could see the tools that were used and everything involved and why I have the incisions on my belly. He was fascinated by this.

My mind doesn’t work like his, but I’m always amazed at how his mind works and the questions he asks. God makes every one of us uniquely special. I am so blessed by the people in our lives who love Carter. He is so loving, caring, and inquisitive. God made him extra special. 😊

Five years ago today I sat at Vanderbilt and received what I thought was the worst news of my life. My sweet 2 1/2 year old Carter was diagnosed with autism. I remember thinking the lady giving us the diagnosis seemed so cold and nonchalant about giving us the news, but I had to remind myself she was just doing her job and probably had to do this on a daily basis. I remember being unable to stop the tears from flowing as I sat there listening to everything my child would need from special education services to therapy services and all the stuff I would need to do at home. I cried the whole way home and the whole rest of the day. I was angry and grieving that God would allow this to happen to my baby and to us. I woke up the next day hoping this was a nightmare but was met with the reality that I needed to face this, and we had therapy already scheduled for the week.

After his speech therapy session a couple of days after his diagnosis, Carter was laughing in the car. I took this picture of him that day. God showed me right then that an autism diagnosis didn’t change my little boy. He was still the same happy and joyful baby He had blessed me with. He also spoke to me and said this would be a journey I would have to take for a little while, but He would never leave me.

I call these last 5 years “the blessing of a broken heart.” God has shown me what real love looks like through my child. I know God makes no mistakes, and He didn’t make a mistake with my Carter. Carter has shown me how to have such love, joy, patience, and kindness through Jesus.

I want to encourage you to never give up hope. My child was practically nonverbal 5 years ago today, and now he sings on the praise team at church. He’s not afraid to lift his little hands and dance for our Lord when he’s on stage either! God continues to do stuff right in front of our eyes. I’m amazed as I watch him at what God is doing in his life. God’s not done with him either!

God took my broken heart from 5 years ago and healed it. He showed me what a blessing this journey has been. Some days are still hard, but God will never leave us or forsake us.

A dear sweet friend of ours gave Carter $20 last week to sow seed into his life. She had heard that he never wants to spend any of his money because he is saving for a condo at the beach so she wanted to bless him. She ended up blessing us just as much as she blessed him.

I took Carter to the bank Friday to put his $20 in the bank. Here in this picture I made him do all the talking to the teller. 😊

When he was done he asked “Now do I have enough money to buy that condo?” I told him not yet but to just keep saving his money, and one day he will have enough to buy that condo.

It is sweet people like this that bless us every single day. Just the smile this put on my sweet child’s face made my day. My prayer is to be a blessing as well to other people I come in contact with.

I woke up around 5:00 this morning, and I laid there watching Carter sleep beside me. (He got in the bed with us last night). I never get tired of watching him sleep, and he’s 7 years old now! I got to thinking about this week, and Carter asking me every single day this past week to take him to play with Hunter and Harleigh (his cousins). He has started this thing at home lately where he will come down the stairs and get to the 3rd step and then jump down to the bottom floor yelling “Hulk smash!” I asked him where he learned this, and he informed me it was a game he played with Hunter and Harleigh. He then told me he played Hide and Seek and pretend nap with them.

A few weeks ago we helped out at a yard sale at church, and he played with his sweet friend Aubree the whole time. They played with a beach ball or hide and seek. He was wanting to go home with her to keep playing and was sad when we had to leave. He threw a frisbee with the older guys when they showed up.

My niece Katelyn has stayed with us a couple of times this summer, and he has loved every minute of playing with her (See the post Carter’s Sleepover).

I see God working in this area of play and social interactions. My heart is so grateful to all these kids who play with Carter because really he is just now learning how to play with others. I see their love, patience, and acceptance. A few months ago, he would’ve been content just off playing by himself somewhere, and now he is seeking out these play interactions. I see the miracle in my child when he goes up to hug everyone he sees when he used to just walk right on by people and we had to cue him to just say hi. God’s not done with him either. We learned right from the start to never take anything for granted. We have celebrated every little victory or success, and we give God the praise!