Perfectly Imperfect

A lady at church took our picture Sunday for Easter. She sent it to me yesterday afternoon. We haven’t had a family picture professionally made since Carter was about 2 years old so I love any pictures of the 3 of us together because they are so rare. I looked at this picture and thought how sweet it was that Carter was holding both of our hands, but most of all, I just feel extremely blessed to have my family. Our lives are perfectly imperfect, but we have Jesus at the center, and He is perfect so that’s all that matters.

It seemed like Carter’s stuttering had gotten a lot better, but then last week he started struggling with it real bad again. He was asking me last week “Mama why is my stuttering coming back?” I had even blogged last week that it had gotten better. I believe me testifying to the fact that Carter was improving caused this attack again, but we still have faith. Carter and I quote this scripture here lately every morning on the way to school “Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.” He was having a really hard time at Home Depot yesterday afternoon getting his words out, and it was upsetting him. He said “Mama will you please pray for me? This stuttering has got to go!” He laid his head against me. So yes, I prayed for my sweet boy in Home Depot beside the dishwashers because he asked me to. I’ve always told him we can talk to Jesus anywhere and anytime because He’s always with us and He hears our prayers. Carter felt better after we prayed and was able to get his words out better and enjoy the rest of his time at Home Depot.

Our lives are perfectly imperfect but with Jesus we have all we need. I’m glad my sweet boy asks me to pray for him. I will always pray for him and my husband.

Haven’t Seen It Yet

God has a way of using songs to minister to me in a particular situation that I’m going through. Either a song will come to my mind or on the radio, and it’s just what I needed to hear at that moment. I listen to The Message on Sirius radio in my car. A few weeks ago, I heard Danny Gokey’s new song “Haven’t Seen It Yet.” It is such an awesome and powerful song, and it gave me the faith boost to keep believing for all the things I’ve been praying and asking God for.

A day or so later, Carter was in the car with me when the song came on again, and I told him what an awesome song it was. He listened to it and questioned me on what it meant. Here’s some of the lyrics:

Have you been praying and you still have no answers?
Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years?
Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now?
Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears?

Don’t forget the things that He has done before
And remember He can do it all once more

It’s like the brightest sunrise
Waiting on the other side of the darkest night
Don’t ever lose hope, hold on and believe
Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet
You’re closer than you think you are
Only moments from the break of dawn
All His promises are just up ahead
Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet
Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet
Maybe you just haven’t seen it

I explained that like we have been praying for his stuttering (See the post Keeping the Faith) and his vision in his eyes to improve (he’s been in glasses since he was 10 months old), just because we haven’t seen God move yet, we still have faith and believe He’s going to. Carter smiled so big and he understood this. Now anytime this song comes on he says “Mama it’s our song!” Carter’s stuttering has gotten better, and we got a good report at his eye appointment a few weeks ago that he has shown some improvement in his vision. We give God the glory for this! Carter was hoping he wouldn’t need his glasses anymore after this appointment, but I told him just keep trusting and believing and thank Jesus for his healing even though we aren’t all the way there yet. And I reminded him of this song. He smiled and raised his little hands and said “Thank you Jesus that my stuttering and my eyes are getting better!” I love this sweet little boy of mine so much!

Thank you Danny Gokey for a song that helped me finally explain to my baby boy about faith and for giving me the faith boost I needed as well!

Carter wanted to sing “Haven’t Seen It Yet” this morning at church for the first time. Hope you are blessed watching the video. 😊

Cleaning out the Car

I was cleaning out my car this afternoon and realized I still had my blood pressure cuff and stethoscope (from my days as a nurse) in the car. I kept them in my car for my Papaw in case I ever needed to listen to his lungs (he had COPD) or take his blood pressure manually. I got them out of the car because I wouldn’t need them anymore. I’m reminded of my Papaw just about everywhere. Even a cashier at Walmart this week brought back a memory of him. We had gone to Walmart one day last year to pick up a few things, and I remember this cashier asking him “how are you doing today Mr. Joe?” It seemed like people knew him everywhere we went. It has been 2 weeks already, and my family and I actually found ourselves laughing a few days ago at funny things he had done. He had a laugh where he just got tickled all over. We all agreed this is the way we needed to remember him. But I’m still having moments where I cry because I miss him so much…

Back to cleaning out the car…I got some of Carter’s books out of the car too. I was going to take them up to his room. One of them is called “Are You My Mother?” (Silly boy checked this book out from the library this week at school too). He must’ve forgot he had this book at home, but we hadn’t read it in a while. I had laid the books on the table, and a few minutes later, I heard him talking in the dining room. He had grabbed that book and started reading it. I sat down and just listened to him read. He read every word without skipping a beat. No stuttering either. I just sat and enjoyed his sweet voice reading. He never ceases to amaze me. When he was finished, I told him how proud of him I was for just getting a book and reading it without me having to tell him to. He likes to read, but I usually have to encourage him to go get a book. I guess too many other things he would rather be doing. I usually have to tell him it’s time to read his AR book every night. But once we get started, he enjoys the book and gets into it. I love to read myself and always have, so I try to encourage him that reading is fun and adventurous and that the more he reads, the better he will get at it.

I’m always proud of anything he does. Who knew that cleaning out the car today would lead to him wanting to read one of his books? 😊

7 Year Checkup

Carter had his 7 year checkup this week one day after school. He absolutely loves his doctor. We met Dr. Ward 4 years ago when we would see him a lot if Carter was sick because his regular dr never had any appointments available when I needed one. Carter just really clicked with him, and he made me feel at ease too. I ended up switching and making Dr. Ward his primary pediatrician. Carter always enjoys seeing Dr. Ward even if he is sick. Dr. Ward makes bird noises when he looks in Carter’s ears, and Carter will say “Is Dr. Ward going to find those birds in my ears again?!” And he will just smile real big.

When we got there this week, and the nurse called us back, Dr. Ward spotted us and said “Hi Carter.” Carter started waving and said “Hi Dr. Ward!” When Dr. Ward came in to ask questions and examine him, I let Carter answer his questions. I sat back and only clarified if I felt I needed to. I thought wow he is having a back and forth conversation with his doctor and doing great! If it was something he wasn’t too sure about, he would say “Hmm I think so” like when Dr. Ward asked if he was eating his fruits and vegetables. I just clarified and said he loves fruit, and he had gotten better this year with some vegetables. He’s finally trying corn and some beans. Are you brushing your teeth? “Yep we brush my teeth every morning and every night.” Are you sleeping good at night? “Yep” Are you eating dairy? “Hmm I think so.” Dr. Ward asked about milk for example. “Yep I drink chocolate milk for lunch at school.”

This was the first checkup Carter has answered his own questions for the most part. There were a few questions I had to answer. I’m so thankful to see this back and forth communication. We can go places now and somebody may ask him how old he is or what grade he’s in or how he’s doing and he will respond without me prompting him to answer.

After his appointment, I took him to Lowe’s for a treat (his choice). I guess after a long day at school and a doctor’s appointment, he was pooped so he fell asleep coming home.

He doesn’t fall asleep in the car much anymore. I can’t believe my baby is 7. 😢 Thank you Jesus for my sweet baby and what you have done and are doing in his life.

My Papaw

My sweet Papaw passed away last week. I was very close to him. I alternate between grief and the denial that he’s really gone. My grandparents were married 61 years and were the perfect example of what family and marriage is supposed to be. Their marriage wasn’t perfect, but nobody’s marriage is perfect. The worst part of losing him is knowing I’m never going to get another phone call from him just to check in and see how I’m doing, and we’re never going to take another road trip together. He always knew the best places to stop and eat no matter what town we were in. The first few days after he passed, I couldn’t bear the pain I was feeling, but God’s grace is sufficient to get me through. I have felt every prayer from every person praying for us and our family. I have felt peace that only comes from God even though I’ve been sad this week.

Papaw owned a local flower shop here in town which my Memaw still runs. At the funeral, I was amazed at the people who came to pay their respects: customers, people at the bank, other local businesses, wholesalers, and friends. One wholesaler and his wife came all the way from Birmingham, AL to Tullahoma, TN where the funeral was. If that doesn’t speak about my Papaw’s character, I don’t know what does? I was filled with pride at the man my Papaw was. I wish I had told him how proud of him I was. This week I have thought a lot that I hope I made him proud of me. I always did tell him I loved him. I’m so thankful that Papaw still knew us even at the end, and I got to tell him I loved him one more time and he told me he loved me too. I’m thankful that Carter is old enough to remember Papaw too. Here is a picture of them on Halloween back in 2013.

Carter has been asking a lot of questions over the past month or so about Heaven and what Heaven is like. I’ve explained things the best way I can for a 7 year old to understand. He would keep saying he wants to go to Heaven. Carter has such a pure heart. I explained to him that we all have to ask Jesus to forgive us of our sins and accept Him into our hearts. He questioned why Papaw wasn’t healed like we had prayed. Carter had laid his hands on Papaw and prayed for him to be healed the day he passed away. I told him Papaw was healed, but he got his healing in Heaven. This was the way God chose. Papaw passing away has made Carter talk about Heaven more this week and wanting to see Papaw again. I told him we would see Papaw again one day in Heaven.

The happy part of this week is yesterday coming home Carter was asking me a question about a song we were listening to, and he said he wanted to go Heaven. Then he said “I want to accept Jesus in my heart.” So we prayed together, and Carter accepted Jesus in his heart right there in the car on the way home. I believe Papaw would be so proud of this!

None of us would bring Papaw back. Like I’ve explained to my little Carter this week, Papaw is happy in Heaven with no more pain or tears or suffering. We are sad because we miss him, but we will see him again one day. We will cherish every memory of him in our hearts.

Honoring Carter

Since today is Autism Awareness Day and April is autism awareness month, I thought I would honor the person I blog about, my sweet little boy Carter.

He makes my heart happy. I love his sweet smile and kind heart. I love his hugs and kisses. The best part of my day is when I pick him up from school and see that sweet smile walking to the car. He has changed me in so many ways that I can’t even explain. I’m grateful to be his Mama.

I don’t like autism. In fact I HATE autism. After Carter was diagnosed my heart as a mother wanted no other mother to have to hear those words “Your child has autism.” Some days I still feel like I’m walking down a path I have no clue what I’m even doing, but maybe all moms feel this way sometimes. I’m thankful for the people God has placed in our lives I can turn to for guidance and prayer.

When Carter first started public school a few days after he turned 3, I felt robbed of a few more years I could have had with him at home. This wasn’t supposed to be this way. He wasn’t supposed to start school until he was 5 like other kids. We had already been going to therapy, and I was working with him at home. Now I had to turn him over to complete strangers and just pray he still made progress I had already been seeing. I had to trust God was working everything out for our good. By the 2nd week of school Carter came home, and he said the Pledge of Allegiance! At first I didn’t understand him, but when I did he just grinned so big and was so proud of himself. I have this video I took of him saying it after he had learned it. (He’s just barely 3 in this video, and his speech is not very clear but it was a major accomplishment!) He had only been saying 2-3 word sentences up to this point.

I knew then he was going to be fine. He has been making progress ever since. At that first IEP meeting before he started school, the school psychologist asked me what I loved about Carter. I told her everything. He’s my sweet and happy boy. He’s perfect to me. She then asked me what is hard about Carter. At that point, I broke down crying and said these meetings are hard when I hear all the stuff that Carter can’t do and stuff he’s developmentally delayed on. I’ve become a crier at a lot of these IEP meetings, but I had a sweet teacher from another school that was in one of these meetings once give me a hug and tell me my tears just meant I cared and Carter was going to do great because he had me. I had never met this teacher before until this meeting but she really encouraged me that day. She didn’t know me. I may be quiet, but I’m a fighter for my child. I’m thankful for all the teachers at the school who love Carter and continue to love him and believe in him.

With God’s guidance I will continue to fight for my child to succeed. As a mother, I just want him to be loved and accepted. Not labeled. It may have taken him longer to hit developmental milestones, but we made it and celebrated every single one of them. I never underestimate what he can do. He is super smart and learns stuff quick. I was told by his aide Ms. Caitlyn, that he was struggling a little bit with learning about money before spring break. We ordered him some play money last week during the break, and I worked with him on the coins and how much each cent was worth. Then we started adding up change. He had this down within 5 minutes. He was adding up 55 cents, 87 cents, whatever I gave him. Eventually we were up to hard stuff $122.59, $148.99…you get the picture. He nailed it! So the picture I took of him above is him playing with his money this past weekend. He would say “Mama will you play with money with me?” He would want me to give him hard ones too. He wanted his Daddy to play with him when he got home from work. I hope he blows them away at school the next time they are doing money in math!

My heart is truly full of gratitude today and every day for every single person who loves Carter and accepts him the way he is.

Birthday Parties

We went to a birthday party this past weekend of a friend in Carter’s class, MariJo. She’s one of his best friends too. He has many best friends. Most of them are girls. The funny thing is he says I’m allowed to be friends with any of his friends too EXCEPT his extreme best friend Mrs. Amado. ( See the post Carter’s Extreme Best Friend). He tells me she is only HIS friend and not anybody else’s! 😂 I think the only parties he’s ever been invited to outside of his cousins are girl parties. He has known MariJo since they were 4 years old. She was in his preschool class as one of the typical peers as a peer model. Look at this sweet picture of them as little 4 year olds holding hands! (They are now both 7). I still love this picture! 😍

He never seems to mind being surrounded by a bunch of girls at these parties. His best friend Reese was at the party too, and he made every step she and Marijo made. He always has a great time at birthday parties. This is a sweet picture of MariJo giving him a hug after opening her present.

The kids all went outside to play on the playground afterwards, and I watched Carter go one way to play by himself and the other kids all go play together. I told Reese’s mom as we were standing there that this is his struggle. He plays by himself. I don’t know how it is at school because I’m not there to watch him play, but I know social is still hard for him. I watched him go from the swing to the slide and everything else all by himself. Reese’s mom was so sweet to point out that maybe he just prefers to play by himself. Either way, he had fun at the party, and that’s all that matters.

This reminded me of a birthday party we went to about 3 years ago at Chick Fil A. The kids went to play in the play gym, and I went in there to encourage Carter to climb up in the gym with the girls. He was not interested. He was content just jumping up and down watching the other kids play. This jumping up and down is the stimming behavior from autism. He was laughing and smiling so I left him alone and went outside the play area where I could still see him. I remember seeing other moms staring at him. (I don’t think they were moms from the party). And I remember for a moment I got a little embarrassed, but then I thought you know what I’m not going to get embarrassed because these moms are staring at my child. He’s having just as much fun as all these other kids at this place if not more. He’s laughing and smiling. A bunch of staring moms is not going to steal my joy or my child’s joy. He is always happy and for that I’m grateful. It doesn’t matter to me that his “play” doesn’t look like the other kids because my child is happy. God has blessed me with a child that has such joy that he blesses me and others with it.

I’m thankful Carter has friends, and he gets invited to birthday parties. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so thankful to everyone who loves Carter just the way he is!

Carter at the Dentist

Ok so Carter has struggled with dental checkups in the past. I’ve been taking him to a pediatric dentist every 6 months since he was 18 months old, and he always hated going. I get it: the bright lights, a strange person messing with your mouth with strange tools, etc.

This all changed back last summer. We met a hygienist named Mrs. Holly, and she was wonderful with him. No more scared and crying. He listened and kept his mouth open for her. She even sent him a card in the mail after his visit telling him how wonderful of a patient he was. How sweet and thoughtful was that?! So I made sure to request her from now on.

Yesterday being the first day of spring break, I had made him an appointment. I had told him all weekend he had an appointment Monday morning in order to prepare him and told him that they would probably do X-rays this time. I told him he would have Mrs. Holly again, the one who was so nice to him last time. He would just say “Oh no, not the dentist” anytime I brought it up all weekend. I would tell him he was going to do great. He was a big boy. Anyway, his appointment went great. He actually smiled and giggled at Mrs. Holly the whole time! He did awesome getting his X-rays done too. I thought wow, just another step on our journey. I give God credit for every victory. I’m thankful we met this kind, sweet lady that makes Carter feel comfortable at the dentist office.

We spent the rest of the day in Murfreesboro doing what he wanted to do which was a visit to Lowe’s (not Home Depot for a change 😉), lunch at Chick Fil A, and the Discovery Center.

But the best part of my day was when we were driving home and he said “Mama I love spending the day with you.” I’m so blessed to have such a sweet and loving little boy.

Talent Show

Carter sang in the talent show yesterday at school. He did awesome! We were so proud of him! He tried out a few weeks ago, and he was one of the kids who made it in. All the kids in the talent show did amazing yesterday. It takes courage to get up in front of the whole school, and I admire them all. Carter definitely had no fear yesterday. I was getting texts from people yesterday telling me how excited he was to get to sing.

This was all his decision to even try out weeks ago. When the letter got sent home about auditions, I asked him if he was interested in singing like he does at church, and he was excited to try out. We were proud of him just for trying out. He was already a winner to us whether he got in or not. Mr. Charlie, one of the teachers at school was kind enough to play the guitar, and he did awesome yesterday too! I let that be Carter and Mr. Charlie’s decision too. (Carter has never sang along to anyone playing the guitar before so this was new for him).

It blessed me all the teachers and parents who came up afterwards telling me how good Carter did, and that they cried watching him. I couldn’t be more proud of him. I’m thankful for everyone at Carter’s school who love my sweet boy.

As I’ve watched the video of yesterday over and over, I can’t help but get emotional. He amazes me. Almost 5 years ago when he could hardly speak, I would never have imagined him singing in front of a large group of people. And look at him now! He truly is a miracle. Sometimes when I’m going through difficult times I have wondered, “God can’t you just show me the bigger picture and spare me this pain?” Because 5 years ago I didn’t know if I could do this until I got a fight in me that I was going to fight for my child. We were going to overcome these obstacles together as a family. Autism was not going to label him or set him back. We have to trust God to get us through the trials. That’s what faith is. If He showed us the bigger picture, we wouldn’t have to trust Him. God sees the bigger picture. I know God is still working, and I’ve still not seen the whole picture yet of what He’s going to do in my child’s life.

Carter is a miracle, a blessing, and a joy all wrapped in one. I know I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes. I have made mistakes as Carter’s mom. But one thing I know is I love him more than I could ever say. I’m so blessed to be his mom.

Here is the video of him singing “Confidence” in the talent show yesterday. I hope you are blessed watching it. And enjoy the country accent he has too. He can’t help but to have the accent if you’ve ever heard his Daddy and me talk. 😉

Carter’s Caring Heart

A few months ago, Carter was student of the month in his class for the character trait “caring.” Here he is with his yard sign. He was so proud.

Carter really does have a caring heart, and it blessed me that Mrs. Amado picked him for this character trait. I see this in him all the time, but I’m glad that others can see it too. He may have an autism diagnosis, but I never want that to label or define him. I’m thankful for the people who see past the diagnosis and see Carter for the person he is. I don’t go around telling people Carter has autism. I don’t feel the need to explain to most people. Yes, I’m doing this blog, not to label my child but to encourage others with our journey. People are either going to be drawn to Carter and see the love he has inside of him or they won’t. And if they don’t want to get to know him, they are missing out on a big blessing in my opinion.

I saw his caring heart last night when I had to tell him his aide, Mrs. Lana, was still sick and wouldn’t be at school again today. He said “Oh no!” and immediately started crying. I can’t stand to see him cry (even when he’s in trouble). I told him not to cry, and I dried his tears and told him we just needed to pray for her to get to feeling better. He has a special bond with Mrs. Lana. This is his second year having her as his aide, and I don’t know what we would do without her. Carter loves her so much.

Later as Carter was getting ready for bed last night, he must have been telling his Daddy how much he missed his friend Reese. (Reese has been sick this week too). He told his Daddy “I don’t want my friends to ever get sick again.” Here is sweet little Reese. I blogged about her several weeks ago (See the post Carter’s Friend Reese).

It still amazes me that with the hard time I’ve had over the last few months, my sweet Carter has been the one to comfort me with his caring heart. Carter has wiped away my tears with his hands and said “Mama you can’t cry anymore because I love you.” And this makes everything better. This simple act from my little boy is like Jesus himself is comforting me when I’m sad. I am so blessed to have this sweet caring boy as my son.