So here goes a post I didn’t know I would share, and things have been pretty emotional for me the past few months. But when I started this blog, I wanted to be real and share my heart as Carter’s mother. Carter developed a sudden onset stutter a few months ago. It broke my heart to see this come out of nowhere but even worse to see my sweet boy get upset and cry and say “Mama something’s wrong with me. I can’t talk.” Carter has seen me crying over these past few months, and my sweet child has been the one to comfort me by drying my tears and asking “Mama are you ok?” And “Mama what’s wrong?” We are praying for him to be healed of this stuttering. I have faith that he will be. The hardest thing for me was one morning getting ready for school, Carter was stuttering real bad and he asked me “Mama why isn’t Jesus listening? Why isn’t he answering my prayer?” This was hard for a mother to hear. I answered him the best way I could and told him Jesus is always listening and he’s always on time. Sometimes we have to go through stuff we don’t understand. I explained there was a mean ole devil that tries to steal, kill, and destroy, and the devil was attacking his words, but Jesus was going to heal his words. I pray that Carter keeps his faith.

I must admit I have gotten angry at God after Carter asked me that question. Why God are you not answering my little boy’s prayers? Do you not even care? But as soon as I got done being angry, I felt a peace come upon me, and I wasn’t angry anymore. I know God is in control. Carter is going to be ok. There is a reason we are going through this.

I was watching videos of him last week of when he first started to talk around age 3. I was the only one that could really understand him back then, and I had to translate for everybody. I went through these videos all the way to where his speech was as plain as could be. I started crying and I said “God you gave my baby a voice and his words. You didn’t give him a stutter.” And I just began to pray for God to take away this stutter and for Carter’s words to come forth stronger than ever.

I was having a really rough morning last week with all this on my mind, and I got this picture from these 2 sweet ladies at school that I love dearly. Carter had these ladies as his aides in preschool for 2 years. When I saw how happy my little boy looked in this picture, it made me happy. I thought stutter or not, my child is happy, and he makes me happy and I’m so blessed because of him. God keeps reminding me of all the things He has done already. I’m able to have a conversation with my child. A few years ago, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to do that. I took him with me to my cousin’s baby shower, and when we went to leave, he tells me “Mama I had fun playing with Emma and Easton!” (His cousins) When in the past, he would’ve played by himself or hung around me or the adults. He has had a wonderful year at school and made such great progress and matured so much just this year.

I haven’t been able to talk about this much because it is so emotional for me, but it’s the little blessings in life that are getting me through. Everyone who loves Carter for who he is and the people who are praying with us mean so much. I think with the support at school from people like Mrs. Amado, Mrs. Lana, and Mrs. Amy and others, Carter can learn to relax and control it. No matter what though I’m still thankful for the progress he has made and the people in our lives along this journey. He is still our sweet and happy little boy. I am a fighter. God gave Carter his words when he was 3. I refuse to believe stuttering is going to be a part of Carter’s speech forever. I have faith the stuttering will be gone!

Carter loves his 1st grade teacher Mrs. Amado. The first day of school back in August, as I nervously asked him if he had a good 1st day, he excitedly replied “Yes!” Then on into September, he started telling me she was one of his best friends. I thought this is sweet and cute that he thinks his teacher is his BFF. He would tell me about other kids in his class being his best friends, but Mrs. Amado has been his # 1 best friend this year.

Last week after school, he told me “Mama, Mrs. Amado is my extremely best friend!” He was so excited to tell me this. I’m thinking I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say the word “extremely” before. I asked him “What makes her your extremely best friend now?” I was just curious because he was so excited to tell me this after school. His only response was “She just is.” That answer was good enough for me.

He loves Fridays because he gets to eat lunch in the classroom with her. All the kids get to eat with her as long as they’ve been on green or pink all week. He woke up last Friday morning (he does NOT like waking up early on school mornings) and he said “Yay today is Friday, I get to eat lunch with Mrs. Amado today! She’s my extreme best friend in this entire world.” He had the biggest smile on his face. This just melted my heart.

This is a picture of them wearing very similar shirts one day. This was totally not planned either. 😂  They are both so cute!

Mrs. Amado has been a huge blessing to our family this year, and she always puts a big smile on my little boy’s face. I’m so grateful God placed her in our lives. Carter has made so much progress and matured so much this year. She has been another person I’m truly thankful for along this journey.

There is a song that a brother shared at church called God Has Kept Me. That song spoke so strongly to me and my life these past several years. Even when I strayed from Him several years ago, He has kept me. I was doing laundry yesterday, and I was just thinking about the past 8 years from the time I was pregnant with Carter until now. I thought of how He has been so good to me, and I’ve not been so good to Him. I don’t deserve all He has done for me. I immediately hit my knees and just began to thank Him for all he has done for me even when I backslid, he still kept me.

When I got pregnant with Carter, we couldn’t enjoy the excitement very long because I found out I had rH incompatibility. I have A- blood. Jeremy is A+. I was producing antibodies in my blood. I was referred to a high risk dr to monitor Carter’s brain every few weeks by ultrasound because my blood could start attacking his blood if they were incompatible. They had to wait until I was closer to 20 weeks to do an amniocentesis to get Carter’s rH factor. If his blood was negative like mine, we would be in the clear. The confusing part of all this and the dr couldn’t explain it either, is I had never been pregnant before, so rH incompatibility should have never been an issue with a first pregnancy. All the appointments were good. Carter’s brain always checked out good, and he was getting good blood flow to his brain. But the dr was preparing us that Carter’s blood would probably be positive like Jeremy’s because most of the population has rH positive blood. Anyway, we made it to 19 weeks and found out we were having a baby boy! I had the amniocentesis that day, but they saw something on ultrasound that made them suspect Down’s syndrome so while they were drawing fluid off from the amniocentesis to determine rH factor, they drew fluid out to test for Downs as well. We had to wait 2 more weeks for these results. A lot of tears and worrying but praise the Lord, Carter has negative blood type like his Mama and Down’s syndrome came back negative as well!

I was finally able to enjoy the second half of my pregnancy. We finally went and started picking out baby furniture and all that good stuff. I was so happy and excited. I enjoyed laying in bed watching my belly move. I loved being pregnant and watching my belly grow. January couldn’t get here fast enough so I could finally hold him. Then the day he was born, I felt on top of the world. I was so happy he was finally here. But then 6 hours later, I started hemorrhaging. I was a nurse, but I had never seen so much blood. As I watched my nurse call my dr and massage my uterus and give me a shot and put me back on an IV to get the bleeding to stop, I remember I was more worried about Jeremy having to see all this because he was panicking. But my nurse’s name was Hope, and she told him to look at her and see that she wasn’t panicking so everything was going to be ok.

Then I had the baby blues that turned into postpartum depression. Not the kind where you want to harm your child or yourself or anything like that. But I just cried all the time and was severely anxious. I talked to my dr at my 6 week postpartum checkup and was given medicine to help. I probably would have never told him I was having problems, but I thought Carter deserved a better Mama that wasn’t crying and anxious all the time. Looking back, I think the lack of sleep was most of the problem because once he started sleeping through the night at around 9 weeks old, I noticed I felt much more like myself again.

Looking back at all this, I realize God has always been there. I was just too stupid to realize it. He has kept me. When I made bad decisions and wanted to walk away from everything, He kept me. He built me back up from the ruins, and I owe everything to Him.

Sometimes I blame myself that Carter has autism. My past sins must have caused this. I was the one who carried him in my womb so surely I caused this or did my bout with postpartum depression cause this? So many questions. But I’m reminded of the story in the Bible in John 9 where Jesus heals the man who was born blind. His disciples ask Jesus if the man or his parents sinned causing him to be born blind? And Jesus said neither the man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the works of God should be made manifest in him. God is being glorified every step of the way through our journey with Carter. Carter is being healed in God’s timing, and He puts the right people in our lives at the right time.

Today my sweet boy turns 7. I can’t believe it! The day he was born, I knew I would do anything in this world for him.

My journey with motherhood hasn’t gone as I had planned. God had a different plan for me. My child brings such joy to my life. He radiates such love and joy to everyone he meets. He has changed me and made me a better person and for that I will always be grateful.

Most days I feel unworthy to be his mother. I realize how blessed I am that God gave me this sweet precious little boy. I still cry many tears along this journey, and I believe my Heavenly Father has a record of every tear. My sweet boy has been there for me lately to say “Mama are you ok?” “Mama you can’t cry because I love you.” And he has reached up with his little hands and dried my tears. (Children with autism have a hard time understanding emotions so he’s starting to understand emotions over this past year.) Just another example of what God has done on this journey!

I tell him he’s perfect and fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope he always knows how much I love him, and I will always fight for him. Most of my fighting is done in prayer. I love this precious boy of mine more than words could ever say! Happy Birthday to the biggest blessing in my life!

I would be lying if I said I never worried about Carter’s future sometimes. I sometimes wonder what is next year going to be like? What about middle school? Sometimes I find myself wondering if any of these same sweet kids in Carter’s 1st grade class will one day turn to making fun of him or bully him in a few years because he may be a little different. I was bullied and made fun of in 3rd grade myself when the girls I was friends with one day decided they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, so I was kicked out of their little group. I say all this to say Carter is just a couple of years away from 3rd grade now, and I remember how mean these girls were to me.

Sometimes I worry will he develop friendships and relationships? Will he get married one day? But then I have to stop myself from all this nonsense. Worry means I don’t trust that God’s got this. And I know that He does! I’m not going to waste my time worrying. I know God has our future in His hands. And I’m going to choose to worry less and trust God!

Part of the reason for doing this blog was to celebrate how far Carter has come. We were at my parents’ house on New Years Day, and my Daddy mentioned he was so thankful for his relationship with Carter. I’m going to celebrate the fact that Carter does have relationships because 4 years ago we were told that socialization and relationships would be hard for him. Carter may have restricted interests that goes along with autism, and he may spend his time talking to his Poppy (my daddy) about the dishwasher and why the plastic spatula fell down to the bottom or why it only has one jet, but my Daddy answers his questions for the hundredth time and doesn’t seem to mind. I’m believing that just like other things, he will make progress in this area as well and will broaden his interests and be able to talk about many different things during conversations.

I’m thankful for the big hugs I see him give Nanny (my Mama). I’m thankful for Ma letting him help with laundry because he likes to watch the washing machine. I’m thankful for Pa who just kind of goes with the flow on whatever Carter wants to do. And aunt Weetsie, Nancy, Memaw, and Papaw for letting him play with the fan or things that play music up at the flower shop. And his buddy at church Sister Teresa for letting him turn on the lights every Sunday morning. And Sister Kathy for making him feel super special and important to the church service every Sunday morning too. I could go on and on, and I’m sure I’m forgetting many people. But everyone in our lives that love Carter and accept him just the way he is are truly a blessing to us.

So as I start this new year, I’m praying to grow more in God and worry less. And just be so grateful for all He has done, and thank Him for what He is going to do! I’m so thankful for this sweet little boy of mine!

A lot of people probably don’t know this about me but before I became a mom, I was an RN. I worked in a step down unit and several years in the cardiac cath lab. I had decided to take a few years off work to have a baby and stay home for a while before returning to work. We are very grateful and blessed I was able to do that, but it was one reason we waited so long to have a baby because I wanted to be able to stay home for a while when we had a baby. It was not going to be possible for me to be able to stay home when I was in my early 20s. I joke that I’m an old mom because I was 29 about to turn 30 when Carter was born.

I was thinking about returning to work when Carter was 2, and I had gotten a prn job at a doctor’s office. I was filling in a lot the summer of 2014 for nurses who were taking their vacations. Then Carter’s diagnosis came that July. And suddenly it was like ok I can’t work not even these prn shifts because my child needs therapy sessions 4-5 days a week now plus the time to work with him at home. God just had a different plan for me, and it wasn’t going back to work. I was ok with that. My child needed me at home.

Now Carter is in school, and I still don’t work, but I stay plenty busy whether it’s cooking, cleaning, running errands, or helping a family member or friend. It’s nice to get stuff done while Carter is at school so that when he gets home, I can spend time with him, and we can work on homework. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think the teachers can do everything. I think I have to play some sort of part at home to keep him progressing in school. And I do get questions sometimes from people like “What do you do all day while Carter is at school?” “Don’t you get bored?” “Are you going to go back to work?”

I don’t think I want to ever go back to being a nurse at this point. I have been volunteering this year in Carter’s class, and I have gotten so attached to all the kids in his class. I think I needed these kids in my life right now, and God put them in my life at just the right time. And I may not work anywhere right now, but I’d like to think I am making a difference in my child’s life, and I’m doing what God wants me to do right now as a wife and a mother. Being a mother is definitely hard, but it is so rewarding. The best part of my day is seeing his sweet smile. His smile just makes everything ok. Just call me Carter’s mom. That’s my job title now. 😊